Jimmy Kimmel Calls Oscar 'The Perfect Man' Because He Doesn't Have A Penis

Last year, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the Oscars that ended with the most notorious mix-up in the ceremony's modern history, once La La Land was mistakenly announced as Best Picture before Moonlight properly claimed the best prize. It wasn't his fault — blame PricewaterhouseCoopers — although he closed the night with the only logical thing for him to say: "I promise I'll never come back. Goodnight!"


needless to say, the Oscars' best move in 2018 was to bring back Kimmel (and his humanistic although yet still smarmy wit), so they did. And his monologue wasted no time mentioning that.


Although he didn't linger on the topic, opting to shout out the #MeToo, Time's Up, and #NeverAgain movements by name and praise the virtues of the particular Oscar statue because the ideal man.


"Just look at him," Kimmel mentioned. "Keeps his hands where you could visualize them, never says a rude word, and most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations, and that's the sort of man we need more of in this town."


Kimmel segued, fittingly, into taking aim squarely at Hollywood's glamorous elite assembled before him at the Dolby Theatre. And like Seth Meyers at the Golden Globes two months back, the most fitting targets were the toxic boys who've rendered it in need of a widespread reckoning.


This needless to say included Harvey Weinstein and his expulsion from the Academy — a shame he shares with only one other former member, Carmine Caridi, kicked out, as Kimmel mentioned, "for giving his neighbor a copy of Seabiscuit on VHS." That's how Hollywood punishes Harvey Weinstein.


But it wasn't all zingers and toxicity bashing. Kimmel also highlighted the huge crop of nominees making history this year — "If you are a nominee tonight who isn't making history, shame on you" — including Timothée Chalamet, Jordan Peele, Greta Gerwig, and Rachel Morrison, the first-ever female cinematography nominee.


"This is a night for positivity, and our plan is shine a light on an audience of outstanding and inspiring films, almost every one of which got crushed by Black Panther this weekend," Kimmel said.


Since this is Call Me By Your Name's big awards season, every host seems like they'd have take a shot at a peach joke (at the Film Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday night, Nick Kroll and John Mulaney coined the term "cumpeach"), however Kimmel abstained. He did, although, point how Chalamet was missing Paw Patrol to be there, so. Decent enough.


It's exceedingly clear that culturally and politically, we're in a moment of massive change. That's why Kimmel also in an educated manner shouted out the upcoming March for Our Lives suggested by Parkland, Florida students in Washington, D.C. On March 24 and encouraged Oscar winners to give it a say in their acceptance speeches.


Oh, and as the Oscars are famously long as hell, he also recommended to give out a brand-new jet ski to whatever winner gives the shortest speech. Just one more cause we can all get behind.