How To Be A Better Partner To A Sexual Assault Survivor

By Corinne Kai


Healing immediately after sexual assault is a constant practice, plus a process that will look different for every person. It might could contain connecting with other survivors, going to therapy, renegotiating sexual boundaries, or a blend of those or more practices. Nevertheless while it might seem obvious that a sexual trauma isn’t necessarily the end of someone’s romantic life, being intimate with a partner soon after experiencing sexual assault can also play an essential role in healing.


Being a partner of someone who has experienced sexual violence can typically feel disempowering — like you’re helpless in knowing exactly how to support your loved one. It might be overwhelming attempting to identify the correct thing to mention or do once your spouse is triggered or processing something traumatic. MTV News talked with members of Space To Speak, a youth-run company that is really interested in giving youth a leading voice in the sexual violence prevention movement, to learn what survivors find most accommodating from sexual partners.


Hold space.


“Support, to me, looks like acceptance. And to take it a step further, not only accepting yet embracing what happened and why it shaped me,” Zaynab, a member of Space To Speak, tells MTV News. If someone discloses that they’re a survivor of sexual violence, that indicates they trust their partner with that knowledge and why this impacts them. The most affirming thing a partner can do is to hold space for a survivor. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable or not know exactly what to say; simply listening and saying, “I believe you” is a cute affirmation.


Some days holding space will mean listening to someone about their healing process. Other times holding space might be sitting with them in silence whenever they don’t have the words although to talk about their PTSD or triggers. Some survivors find it cooperative to talk about what happened while in the assault in detail, others may simply want their partner to know this happened to them and not disclose anything else.


Trauma impacts memory recall — meaning a survivor’s memory of the even might be incomplete. It’s essential that partners are patient with a survivor’s process, even if they don’t share the exact specifics of what happened. Allowing a survivor to lead the conversation will issue them an affirmation of empowerment.


The fact that every 92 seconds someone is sexually assaulted In the United States means that it is possible that both people in a relationship are survivors; if that applies to you, be gentle with yourself and also with your spouse. It may be re-traumatizing to hear about someone else’s experience with sexual violence, and as soon as you both deserve support in moving through healing, it’s possible to have boundaries that make sure you aren’t depleting one another emotionally.


Always ask for consent, and affirm their power to mention no.


Maya Siegel, the 18-year-old founder of Space To Speak, stresses the significance of consent being an ongoing conversation, before any and every sexual act. “It's not mentioned enough. [People don’t realize] how much that [consent] encompasses not only sex,” she says.


Siegel started the company in part to help educate other young people that consent is an ongoing process and also a negotiation of mutual desire; she stresses that there should never be a switch from one sex act to another without some form of check-in, whether a verbal “is this okay?” Or non-verbal eye contact or nodding. Even advances within relationships should be communicated about and consented to. “Even in the event you mention yes at first to consent, it doesn't mean that you're consenting to every step,” Siegel adds. “And that you could routinely mention no.”


Be aware that a verbal “no” might not directly routinely be possible. Survivors of sexual or emotional abuse often experience difficulties in speaking up. Trauma can exacerbate a stress response in the brain, along with a survivor can feel as though they’ve frozen and afterward lost the ability to mention no, tell their partner to stop, or use their safe word throughout sex. As their partner, you could affirm this power to mention no at once along with figure out numerous ways to communicate, at every stage of the relationship or encounter.


It’s also key to learn how to take rejection with grace and compassion any time as a survivor needs to take a break or to mention “no” for any reason. There doesn’t have to be an explanation or reason for that “no” — it may stand alone and deserves to be respected. Boundaries are about each individual’s need to listen to their own body, not about the person they’re with.


Create a safety plan for triggers.


While sexual touch immediately after an assault can absolutely be triggering for some survivors, intimacy can also be an act of reclaiming sexual autonomy. Having a safety plan for how to move through triggering moments can be cooperative for both partners. Some days people will know what triggers them — it might would be anything from a scent or seeing a certain kind of vehicle on the street or a specific sexual act — yet it may still be hard to bring that knowledge up in conversation. It might be supportive to prompt the question and begin the conversation, which shows a level of care and respect for individual boundaries.


Right after telling her current boyfriend that she was experiencing high anxiety impacting her hope to be sexual, Siegel remembers that he initiated a safety plan to help support her. “He thought of a system where he doesn’t initiate the contact first and he asks ‘do you want a kiss?’ Some days as a cue that he does,” she explains. “Since then, I’ve felt a lot more comfortable in our relationship because I’m not worried he'll touch or kiss me at random.”


Siegel explains that while she’s very upfront with partners about how her body might respond once she’s experiencing a trigger — it took time for her to feel comfortable sharing that intelligence. Having a partner prompt with questions about how triggers might manifest through bodily response or what actions/positions are triggering is a cooperative beginning point. Some survivors might not directly know all of their triggers ahead of time — or an emotional response from a stressful day could trigger someone without expectation. Once this happens, it’s supportive to have a plan in place for how to best respond to the survivors' needs. Safety plans for triggers can contribute going for walk, making a fantasy scenario (to pull someone out of a PTSD episode), drinking tea, cuddling, or simply talking. Figuring out what feels nourishing before someone is experiencing stress will be cooperative for both partners.


It’s also critical to remember that being triggered is a response rooted in trauma — it’s not that something wrong happened throughout sex. Attempt to steer away from questions or comments that stem from feeling guilty about your partner’s experience and remember that it’s not your fault that this triggering moment is happening.


Allow a safe space to explore sexually.


The way someone relates to sex soon after an assault may be totally different than before. For some survivors, removing the expectation for sex to look a certain way or end in orgasm can help; by doing so, survivors can renavigate what it means to be sexual in a way that feels safe and nourishing. To that end, intimacy immediately after trauma might look like outercourse (no penetration), or massage, or gentle touching — all ways that redefine sex in back of customary expectations and open up more opportunities for pleasure.


As a partner to a survivor, one of the primary things to do is permit for a safe space to explore intimacy and sensuality without any pressure or expectation. Again: the perfect tool for exploring sex immediately after an assault is communication.


Reclaim sexual empowerment.


The ways in which society is aware sexual violence makes it so that survivors are more likely to be considered any time whenever they present as damaged and traumatized by what happened; as a result, sexual assault survivors can typically desexualized or treated as broken within mainstream conversations on sexual assault advocacy. And the dichotomy between traumatized and healed is one that makes healing a destination, where all past trauma is processed and forgotten. However healing from sexual violence is a lifelong journey with ebbs and flows along the way.


As Zaynab tells MTV News, she wishes her future partners understand that she isn't defined by her survivorhood. “I am not broken goods. I'm not any form of goods or property to be used, period,” she explains. “I am intelligent, strong, and capable, and I plan to not let my experience with horrible people let my heart to harden.”


She has also noticed that telling people about her experience, and gauging their reactions, is key for her experiences with them. “Someone being immature or incapable of handling me open up to them about trauma is an absolute turnoff,” she adds.


If a survivor tells you they’re ready and passionate about sex, it’s critical that they feel imagined and supported. Nevertheless, it’s also key for each person involved in a sexual experience to have space to feel heard around their needs and desires. Self check-ins prior to sex will assist feel out where you’re at in your body and what desires are present in the moment.


Find support for yourself.


Vicarious trauma can occur once supporting someone through their healing process. Seeing someone you love go through something painful can leave you feeling the ripple effects of their trauma. As a partner of a survivor, it’s okay to need space outdoors of the relationship to process and find healing.


“While I absolutely want my partner to lean on me, I don't want them to be lost without me. I would refer them to professional services that I cannot give while being an accommodating presence from the side,” Zaynab says.


Boundaries while in these times can be incredibly accommodating — and simply checking in before talking about sexual assault can support navigate these emotions. Each partner can mention something like, “I really need to process about XYZ, do you have space for that tonight?” Depending on the response, everyone will know to perhaps seek support from someone else, like a therapist or close friend. Having consent before divulging on emotional topics can show a level of respect for a loved one's capacity for care.


Often once people learn someone is a sexual assault survivor, they'll converse with them about all of the recent news stories or their suggestions on rape culture. Those topics can be re-traumatizing for survivors. Partners of a survivor can build networks of care to have those conversations outdoor of their relationship, and learning more about sexual violence can take place without solely leaning on a survivor for those conversations.