How SHINee Fans Found Strength In One Another In The Year Since Singer Jonghyun’s Death

By Elizabeth de Luna


In the early evening hours of a Saturday in June, 400 people gathered in silence under an open tent at KCON New York, a convention celebrating the growing global influence of Korean pop culture. At the face of the room, moderator Cortney Marbury cleared her throat. "Before we start this panel on mental health in K-pop," she mentioned. "I aspire to take the opening 15 minutes to open up the floor to anyone who wants to share their memories of Jonghyun and SHINee." A heavy quiet hung over the room up until one young woman crept up to the microphone. "SHINee was the initial musical group I ever loved," she mentioned. "They got me through some really dark moments. I would even mention they saved my life." Heads in the audience nodded in agreement. "So Whenever I saw on Twitter that Jonghyun..." She paused, breathed deeply, and continued, "had killed himself, I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t..." Her voice broke. "It's been six months and I still think about him daily. No one in my life knows what I'm feeling. Why didn’t we visualize that he was struggling? What do we do right now


Over the next two hours, more than 30 fans of influential Korean sort SHINee, called "Shawols," would approach the mic to share similar feelings of grief, confusion, and guilt. Their stories transformed a panel about mental and emotional health into a forum of collective mourning for the death of singer Kim Jonghyun, who died last December at the age of 27. This public outpouring was fully unexpected although certainly needed," Marbury mentioned. "It was healing to be weak in a safe space with like-minded people."


The members of SHINee, from left to right: Onew, Taemin, Jonghyun, Minho, and Key.


Being a K-pop fan outdoor of Korea can be physically isolating. To support an industry a global away, international Shawols must actively participate in a world digital community, performing almost all of their fan activities — from making companions to waiting patiently for lyric translations — online. Most international Shawols noticed out about Jonghyun's death through a personalized text, categorize chat, or tweet. They waited for news to cross time zones, breathlessly refreshing web pages for updates and typing furiously to their companions in other countries looking to prepare sense of the tragedy.


The recent deaths of American rappers Lil Peep, XXXTentacion, and Mac Miller were heavily covered across Western media, yet Shawols didn't experience the same public mourning. Several expressed that they were unable to correctly communicate their pain to member family members or friends and, without anyone in their life converse with, buried their sorrow as a means of coping. Kimmie, a Shawol from Georgia, noted that several fans suppressed their grief because they felt that no one around them understood what they were going through." It's no wonder, then, that so several Shawols were openly overwhelmed by emotion at KCON. For the initial time, they felt understood.


As a musician, Jonghyun was singular in his ability to write and produce songs for himself, SHINee, and then some of K-pop's biggest artists. As a person, fans describe him as witty, full of life, and compassionate, especially once it came to the struggles of others. Yet homosexuality is criminalized in Korea, Jonghyun publicly supported the country's LGBTQ community. He also was open about his own depressive thoughts in a culture that claims the world's highest suicide rate among 10-19 year olds. On his nightly radio show "Blue Night," Jonghyun answered questions from listeners in a try to help "set their hearts at rest." Fans mention these displays of empathy made his suicide especially painful. "He was so open with his own struggles," mentioned What The K-pop's Amy Leigh, "that any time whenever he died, we felt that we lost a champion for ourselves, someone who really understood us."


The mourning altar outdoor of a hospital in Seoul in December 2017.


One year later, Shawols are still fighting to support companions continents away, several of whom continue to carry their burden of grief through their day-to-day lives. On Monday evening, Leigh hosted an online memorial broadcast on What The K-pop's radio station to mark the one-year anniversary of Jonghyun’s passing. It served as a digital memorial service for Shawols who could not make one of more than 40 vigils contained across 15 countries and 13 U.S. States during the month of December. To understand how the fandom is moving forward, MTV News discussed to six Shawols about how they’ve noticed strength in one another, online and off, in the year since the idol's passing.


Warning: complex descriptions of self-harm, depression, and anxiety.


MADELINE


19, Minnesota


I never felt truly understood as a person up until I noticed SHINee and was able to explore and express myself while connecting with other K-pop fans through my YouTube channel. I was not planning to post a video about how heartbroken I was about Jonghyun's passing up until I realized that, without consideration of distance or language, pain and joy are universal emotions and mental health is a universal struggle. Being weak about those things is a superpower.


Madeline with her poster from Jonghyun's first compilation album, The Collection: Story Op. 1.


As international fans, several of us don’t have immediate support or understanding from those around us. I wanted to create a safe space within my corner of the world wide web to let people know they’re not alone and encourage them to grieve freely. To hear someone mention "I feel this way, also changes things. So I mentioned, You know what, screw it! I am crying in my room and I am just going to record myself speaking from the heart about what I am going through. I didn’t expect 54,000 people to watch it or 700 of these to comment. People were leaving messages of support, just attempting to take care of each other. I think that, in turn, was a way for them to take care of themselves.


In Jonghyun’s case, I think he wanted people to acknowledge the damaged parts of him. With that in mind, I ask people how they're a lot more routinely and give people a lot more space to express themselves. Jonghyun was able to give unconditional love to his members and his fans. That’s something that I routinely hope to emulate through my channel and in back of. It makes me irritated to think he thought he didn’t live a life that was impactful. His passing made me learn that each person leaves a legacy whenever they perish, so it’s OK to give yourself more credit than you think. Without consideration of what you achieve, you're somebody's child, somebody's friend. You build a ripple effect.


AURELIJA


27, Lithuania


The day was pretty and sunny immediately after a recent snowfall. I was in a very good mood and had just made myself some tea once my sister texted me and asked, "Did you hear about Jonghyun?" I dropped everything and went to the world wide web. I remember reading that he had been noticed unconscious and kept refreshing the news, hoping that maybe he’d made it to the hospital in time. Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, everything was exploding with rumors although I resisted to believe any of these up until there was an official statement from someone I may trust. Then, there was an official statement. On Tumblr, some Shawols were harming themselves, and that scared me. I have quite a number of Shawol companions around the world, I messaged each and every one of those and mentioned whichever it is you’re thinking of doing, don’t. He made his own decision. You cannot do this to yourself.” Thankfully for me, almost every one of these replied.


Other fandoms suggested their condolences, nevertheless one really surprised me. I saw it on Tumblr. The lead vocalist of the categorize Linkin Park had also committed suicide earlier that year and their fans reached out to Shawols publicly and mentioned, "We know what you’re going through. It’s going to be really hard and we know how painful it is, we’re sending you love and strength." I was very touched, because our fandoms are so distant. It proved to me that language has no boundaries.


For me, SHINee is love. That’s what they mean to me, and I take a lot of strength from them. They make me desire to be a higher end person, to be a good reflection of a Shawol. Being piece of a fandom is essentially like being piece of a family member. You all go by means of the same emotions with each other — pride and happiness in the good times, sadness and anxiety in the worst — in very large numbers, all over the world. That’s why, Once I saw the thousands of messages from Shawols at Jonghyun's memorial in Seoul, I mentioned, "This is where our strength is.” The passion we wanted to share together was immense; it united us.


The short-term memorial for Jonghyun in Seoul. Over three months, fans gathered in the space to leave thousands of messages and mementos for the late singer.


Jonghyun's death made me notice that, as long as you’re breathing, as long as you could get the fuck up and do something, you just have to do it. There really are so several people who care about you, there really are so several things you have got to experience, so several things you've got to do, that you could do. I look at the world so differently right now. It’s never an alternative to give up.


CORTNEY


27, Georgia


In 2012, my friend Jasmine and I began a YouTube channel called 2MinJinkJongKey, which is a portmanteau of the names of SHINee's five members. Our first video was concert footage of SHINee singing "Stand By Me" at Madison Square Garden, and we’ve continued to post SHINee-themed content ever since.


After Jonghyun passed, I asked KCON if I may host a panel that would honor his memory and give attendees data about mental health. I was super nervous because I didn’t know how people were going to react to a panel like that. He didn’t perish in a vehicle accident; he killed himself. That hits in a completely different way. However once we allowed the audience to share their memories, we saw how badly Shawols needed a safe space to talk. It was hard for some people to share, nevertheless it was like they could breathe freely again right after speaking their truth. Losing Jonghyun was tragic yet it’s a tragedy we can learn from. If we can save someone by talking about his suicide, that’s what’s most crucial.


I, myself, have experienced the same kinds of thoughts that Jonghyun did. In early 2017, I was in a really bad mental place. I recommended to attend two of SHINee’s U.S. Tour dates and then commit suicide, nevertheless something in me changed soon after seeing them in concert with other Shawols. There really is no greater feeling than looking around a room of thousands of people and knowing you’re all there because of your love for the same thing. SHINee and Shawols reignited my fire; I determined I wanted to live.


This handout was produced by the organizer of a local memorial Cortney attended in Atlanta, days immediately after Jonghyun's death. The back includes emotional health resources.


SHINee saved my life, and so they continue to set an example for me and other Shawols as we heal. Their strength and vulnerability in the months right after Jonghyun’s death helped us pick ourselves up and continue on as a fandom. In that way, they truly fulfilled the meaning of their name, "one who receives the light." I plan to will constantly be grateful to them for sharing their light with us.


JOSEPHINE


27, Sweden


In 2011, my first boyfriend cheated on me, and I remember thinking that no one would ever love me again. In that lonely time, I noticed SHINee and their music. They gave me a new populace of online companions from all over the world. I was happy and had a reason to live again. I became an admin for SHINee fan pages and groups on Facebook, and some days stayed up chatting with other Shawols up until five in the morning. To this day, Shawols are a few of the perfect people I know. I noticed a new family member in them.


I saw the news that Jonghyun had killed himself on Facebook and remember praying that it was a cruel joke. I stared at the screen for the longest time before I managed to click the link to the news report. The rest of the day is a blur. It felt weird to be so sad about someone I didn't know in real life; it felt like a member of my family member had died, like a piece of my life and hope was gone. I don't have any companions in real life that like SHINee or K-pop, so I went online to Facebook and YouTube. Shawols were there for each other, even from across the world. Each person felt the same pain and most of us didn’t have people in our lives who could understand why we were heartbroken. I had been feeling depressed for a while before Jonghyun died, nevertheless I lost my strength to fight that day.


Josephine's tattoo matches one Jonghyun got to honor his second studio album, Poet|Artist, which was released posthumously on January 23, 2018.


Just last week, I reached out for professional help and will have my first meeting on the one year anniversary of his death. I don't know if that’s a positive sign or a cruel joke from the universe. I got his neck tattoo on my own neck as a tribute to him. It feels like I have a segment of him with me and gives me strength to not give up. I know Jonghyun didn't hope to perish. He wanted the pain to go away and didn't get the help he required. I am getting that help and will fight day-to-day to get better, to keep living for him and the other members of SHINee, and to create them delighted.


PEACE


20, Maryland


Around this time last year, I was going through a hard time with my mental health. A verbally abusive relationship had put me in bad depressive state, and I had distanced myself from the things that made me happy. The morning Jonghyun died, I was on the train to work in D.C. And seen a message about his hospitalization in a Twitter categorize chat. Rumors on Twitter spread so fast these days, so I scrolled through my timeline to be able to see if what I was hearing was true. I didn't visualize official news, just tweets saying "I'm so sorry to Shawols." I hopped on Instagram and saw YouTubers and Korean celebrities posting messages about his passing. It was then that I realized I was crying and that each person on the train was staring at me.


Immediately after that day, I pushed his death out of my mind up until forcing myself to process it, for the sake of my mental health, a few weeks later. I became a Shawol immediately after watching Cortney and Jasmine's SHINee reaction videos on their YouTube channel 2MinJinkJongKey, so it felt right to me to view their video about Jonghyun's passing. Watching them talk about it was the closest I had come to speaking to another person about my grief.


I attempted to participate in a crowd chat where Shawols discussed openly about their mental health. There had been an outbreak of people wanting to kill themselves in the community, so I was attempting to be there for others. In the end, though, I was still not in a safe mental place and had to leave those chats, also. There's only so much you could express in a digital forum like that. It was only as soon as my Shawol friend Madeline gave me a phone call that I physically discussed with someone about how I was feeling and started to heal.


A cooperative sort chat message from a Shawol.


To this day, I haven't shared what I went through with my parents. I'm thankful that I had Shawols to aid me instead.


KIMMIE


40, Georgia


I am a little older than most K-pop fans. I'm wedded and have three children who love the genre. That shared interest has lead us closer. Before discovering SHINee, I had been in a depressive rut for a long time. Suddenly, I was happy again and making lasting friendships with other Shawols, moreover to connecting with my kids.


Kimmie's family member dog, Jamong. "Jamong" means "grapefruit" or "short-legged person" and was a handle given to Jonghyun by SHINee members Onew and Key.


I especially identified with Jonghyun. Whenever you have depression, you could recognize depression. I listened to his nightly radio show "Blue Night" each and every day for three years. He felt like a brother, like a friend; it's a connection that's hard to explain. Once he died, I went through a period of shock. Whenever somebody brings that much light into your life, especially right after such a dark period, you don't know what to do any time if they are gone. My work suffered, and I ended up seeking therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been very open about my grief — it's OK to feel those things any time someone you care about passes away. I was lucky that my family member understood. My kids and I discussed about how it affected us, and my hubby brought me Kimchi stew in one hand along with a box of Kleenex in the other any time If I was in the depths of my emotions.


It hit several of my Shawol companions hard, also. I stayed mobile on social media to be there for others in the community and was worried as soon as some of those disappeared for a while. The cruel irony of online friendships in that you form relationships with people around the world nevertheless have no way of getting in touch with them if they don't respond to your messages. Luckily for me, they did eventually write me back.


Kimmie's tattoo (which reads, "You did well, Jonghyun") is a phrase commonly used by Shawols in messages of mourning. It's mentioned in response to a line from Jonghyun's suicide note: "Just tell me I've done well."


While in that time, SHINee served because the main source of strength for us to move forward. In February, I attended the group’s concerts at Tokyo Dome. I had never been out of the nation before, nevertheless I felt th