Enthusiastic Consent Is Changing How We Have Sex

By De Elizabeth


With a plethora of headlines associated with sexual misconduct everywhere from Hollywood Washington, say and not to mention the millions of survivors who have shared their stories by means of the powerful #MeToo movement, the topic of consent is, understandably, having a world moment.


Nevertheless despite its prevalence in the news, there really are still too several misconceptions about what consent actually is — and what it isn’t. Consent isn't “implied” by wearing certain clothes, consuming liquor on a date, flirting, kissing, or any previous sexual encounters. On the contrary, consent is a uncensored and clear affirmation that, yes, someone wants to engage in sexual activity in that distinct and present moment.


What’s more, several people still falsely think of consent as a binary concept, falling back on phrases like “no means no,” which don’t paint a comprehensive picture of mutual agreement to a sexual act. And with only eight states requiring public school sex education classes to discuss consent as segment of the curriculum, there’s an apparent required for further data, especially once troubling ideas both in pop culture and people’s lives allocate conflicting data about boundaries, respect, and bodily autonomy.


“I grew up with ‘no means no’ burned into the back of my brain,” Nick*, a 20-year-old from New York, told MTV News, referring to the now outdated slogan used to teach people about sexual assault. However his understanding of consent has shifted notably since attending college and surrounding himself with a different social circle. “You don't ever wish to put someone in a uncomfortable position, or make them feel like they can't change their mind,” he mentioned. “You don't hope to infringe on their rights or impose on their body that way; it's their body. Only they can determine what is done to it.”


The prevalence of sexual assault is another symptom that society’s understanding of consent needs work. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), one in three females and one in six males experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lives. RAINN adds that someone is sexually assaulted In the
U.S. Every 92 seconds. And with sexual assault being the most under-reported crime in U.S., The particular numbers are likely a lot higher. This critical is key to understand because experts agree that one of the greatest ways to eradicate sexual violence is to teach young people about consent, which can — and should — be truthful and easy to understand.


Lacey, a 26-year-old from Kentucky mentioned that she used to think consent was “just about a vibe,” adding: “I assumed that if [I] wasn’t vocal enough about not being comfortable doing something, that it was my bad because I technically ‘consented’ by allowing it.” Although, the absence of “no” isn't the same thing as consent, and unwanted sexual contact without consent is sexual assault. However misconceptions like Lacey’s are common; a survey conducted by the University of Chicago decided that there really is “persistent confusion” among U.S. Adults about what constitutes consent, making it clear that an entire overhaul of the term is needed.


This is where the term “enthusiastic consent” comes into the scene. Where consent itself is an agreement, or acknowledgment of permission, enthusiastic consent requires all parties in a sexual act to be visibly and vocally interested in what is taking place. By reframing the way society thinks about consent, people can build a safer environment for both themselves and their sexual partners, and a more efficient way to talk about the concept itself. Ahead, learn more about passionate consent from a sex educator, and also hints for implementing it in your own life, from people who have been there.


What exactly is “enthusiastic consent?”


According to Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and educator, passionate consent is “when two people not only mention ‘yes’ to having sexual contact,” however they’re also clearly psyched about encounter begin right to the finish line. “Enthusiastic consent isn't coerced, pressured, or forced in any way. It's whenever you're super down to clown, and each person is especially excited about it,” Engle added, noting that it may be passionate consent can be communicated through both body language and verbal cues.


For Nick, the “enthusiastic” piece has been key in understanding what consent truly entails. “To me, [it] means that both people (or three or whichever) are incredibly excited about the sexual activity, and so they genuinely want it to take place,” he told MTV News. “No one is feeling … uncomfortable. There really are no doubts. Each person is on the same page.”


How is “enthusiastic consent” different from “no means no?”


Engle explained that one of the several) problems with the “no means no” catchphrase is that “no” isn’t the only thing that should indicate a person does not give their consent. “Consent isn't just a black and white, yes or no thing,” she mentioned, adding that a number of other phrases, like “maybe later,” “I’m not sure,” and “eh, I guess,” never equate consent, and should also “mean no.”


Additionally, this misleading phrase overlooks a host of scenarios where a person might not directly have the ability to verbally give their consent or mention anything at all. Someone who is unconscious, intoxicated, or in an otherwise weak capacity legally cannot consent to sexual activity. This is why passionate consent is the most crucial and safest baseline, and has even been worked into sexual assault legislature group in attempt to set up clearer messaging surrounding consent.


PSA: Consent can be revoked at any time.


Things can change from the begin of a sexual encounter, and also you've got habitually have the ability to stop once you are no longer comfortable with the activity.


“Consent isn't a blanket yes,” Engle explained, adding that people often misunderstand this critical point. “It is an ongoing conversation while in a sexual experience… Some days sex is going well — [and then] it's not. Maybe you change your mind, maybe you're not into this person's moves and desire to stop, maybe you thought this could be fun also it isn't. If this is the case, you are fully within your right to revoke consent.”


it might feel scary to assert your boundaries in that way, however it’s critical to remember you have company over your body, and also you never have to do anything that doesn’t feel right. To stop something mid-act, Engle suggests taking a deep breath first, and then using a phrase like “I’m uncomfortable,” “I’d like to take a break,” or “Stop.”


Another tactic is to establish a safe word to bring things to a full halt if needed. “Have a nonsexual word that is designed to stop the play, especially with a new partner,” Engle advised. “I recommend using the traffic light method. ‘Green’ means go, and ‘red’ means stop.”


As Engle described, passionate consent can be confirmed or denied through physical cues, yet also by communicating out loud before — and throughout — a sexual act. Juliet, a 20-year-old from Los Angeles, California, told MTV News that she’ll some days ask her partner questions like “Is this OK?” Or “Do you like that?” Adding that if she ever has any doubt, she aids in averting to check in further. “I would expect my partner to do the same,” she mentioned, explaining that it hasn’t habitually easy for her to talk freely about consent. “There were times [in the past] where I was cool with kissing or making out, however I didn't aspire to go further, and however I would find myself going further anyway because I felt like, ‘I began this, I guess I can't really stop.’ Although I know right now that that's not true. I have the power to mention, ‘Hey, wait a second. I'm not comfortable, let's slow down, take a break.’”


Similarly, passionate consent should be derived almost every time you have a sexual encounter, without consideration of whether or not you’ve been intimate with that person before.


It’s crucial to remember that just because someone gave passionate consent once, it’s not a “given” for any and all sexual activity going forward. Even if you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial to confirm passionate consent with your spouse every time you are physical. “Get a million yesses, not just one at the beginning,” Engle advised.


And the conversation doesn’t have to end as soon as the sexual act is over. Enid, a 21-year-old from Georgia, told MTV News that she and her partner habitually check in with one another subsequently. “There's habitually a follow-up: ‘Were you still okay with that?’ Or something along those lines,” she explained. “It might sound like a lot of talking, and it also is, yet once you're talking about sex, it's not necessarily a boring conversation. There's routinely a understanding that if that consent is drawn for whichever reason, everything is stopped, no matter what.”


Yes, dirty talk can count as consent!


If you’re comfortable with it, turning up the heat with your words can make consent crystal clear. And given that passionate consent is an evolving process, adding some raunchy dialogue to your sexual encounter can only help communicate your feelings and desires.


“Some of the ideal partners … have been really vocal about letting me know what they like or how (and where) they hope to be touched,” Nick explained. “Not each person is into that obviously, although in case you are, it could be a wonderful way to demonstrate passionate consent, and it's a huge turn-on to know that you're turning the other person on.”


Juliet told MTV News that she tries to prepare it clear to her partner while in any sexual activity that she is adoring it and wants it to continue. “I'll mention things like, ‘That feels good,’ or ‘Don't stop,’ or maybe guide them to touch me somewhere to show that I am not just okay with it, however really into it,” she explained.


How does all of this work IRL?


Lacey told MTV News that she pays close attention to her partner’s physical cues. “If I sense that they are uncomfortable or uncertain, I’ll ask them if there’s anything I can do, or if everything is okay,” she mentioned. The communication, she says, accommodates create space so that they can “let me know if they are nervous … or if they just don’t feel right about continuing with whichever we’ve started.”


Gavin, a 19-year-old from Nebraska, also believes that body language is a large segment of passionate consent. “My partner and I routinely ask, ‘Is this OK?’” He told MTV News, noting that the response isn’t routinely simple, which is why it’s critical to analyse the full scope of the scenario. “Sometimes it’s the attitude, body language, expression, or … other non-verbal context clues. The crucial thing isn't to rush into it, especially in the event if you've doubts about the other’s level of enthusiasm.”


Engle agreed. “Even if you're not sure and are misreading it, it's best to check in,” she stresses. Whether you’re questioning if your spouse is enjoying the experience, or if they don’t seem to be into it, it’s best to simply ask. It’s worth noting that several people — especially ladies — often feel that their male partners just haven’t been taught to prioritize their comfort, and that their partner may seemingly take consent for granted during an encounter, rather than explicitly confirming it.


“People [sometimes] assume that each person will be very clear if they don’t want something, so they don’t care to look for signs — nevertheless people can feel nervous, uncomfortable, or afraid of reactions,” Lacey described. “It’s key for both partners to be confirming what’s happening, and whether it’s okay that it’s happening.”


If deriving passionate consent from your spouse is one segment of the puzzle, communicating your own is the other. “The best tool we have is our words,” Engle explained, adding that it’s key to be truthful. “Keep it sexy and keep it clear,” she mentioned, suggesting a phrase like, “I’m so into this, you’re so hot.”


The bottom line: Consent is vital… And it’s also sexy.


“By reframing what we think is sexy, we can infuse passionate consent into typical discussions about sexuality,” Engle mentioned, noting that “being heard and valued is hot.”


And any time put into practice, it’s easy to be able to see why. “The knowledge that you and your pleasure is precious … only opens up the opportunities for where you could take things, and can only increase the quantity of excitement and enjoyment for both parties,” Lacey mentioned, recalling that her best sexual experiences have been with partners who explicitly confirmed her passionate consent. “Asking isn't a mood killer,” she added.


Gavin agreed, telling MTV News that simply knowing his partner is “happy and excited to be sharing that segment of their body and life is … pretty sexy.”


As Juliet put it: “It’s so damn hot to know that someone is passionate about hooking up with you,” noting that being asked for her consent is just as appealing. “Knowing that I am respected and that my body is seen as my own makes me feel good, plus it makes me more attracted to the person, which makes the sex better.”


*Some names have been changed upon request.