Real World’s Tovah Details Rape At 16, Shutting Down & Learning To Heal: Interview

*Warning: this interview contains personalized recounting of rape along with a suicide attempt*


Any time The Real World: Atlanta cast member Tovah was 16 — and in an act she didn’t visualize as particularly irregular — she lost her virginity. She hadn’t dated much, and had only previously gone as far as an innocent kiss with a crush, yet the guy in question was beautiful, and they’d hit it off. Plus, he was her neighbor and seemed trustworthy.


On the day in question, though, the guy got particularly insistent. Tovah had previously mentioned no while he asked her to have sex — she instructed him she wouldn’t imagine it unless she was in a relationship. She also mentioned no in the moments leading up to the encounter. Finally, she mentioned no while it was happening.





Any time it was over, Tovah felt a little confused, however not totally violated. Neither she nor the guy was drunk, he hadn’t drugged her or forced her into a bedroom and there was no tug-of-war, no bruises from battle. What she didn’t entirely process, though, was that she had, indeed, been raped. She didn’t notice that just because her assault didn’t evolve the way it had in movies she’d seen — complete with torn clothes, whines for help, tear-soaked pillows and police sirens — it didn’t mean the man hadn’t destroyed a segment of her or hadn’t set into motion years of pain.


Right now 27, she’s only just starting to grapple with the assault, and understand how severely it’s demoralized her.


It’s key, Tovah told MTV News, for viewers to understand that rape doesn’t unfold in uncensored terms: It’s not spelled out on a marquee in fluorescent script, and there really are no alarm bells to signal its arrival. Still, a understated assault like hers can be just as damaging — even more so — and she explained on the show’s most recent episode that her assault totally severed her being: On one hand, she was catapulted into a global of frequent sex with numerous partners in a desperate, reflexive act to secure firm. On the other, she hid beyond ironclad armor, reduced to rote and droning speech, seeming disinterest and idle eye contact that has regularly made her look, by her own admission, dead.


“I don’t think I ever co-worker sex and love,” she mentioned on the show. “I don’t know if I’m ever going have the ability to attach myself like that. Once I tell people and I talk sort of monotone, it’s a defense mechanism.”


Sadly, that kind of dissociative behavior — a personality that’s suddenly cleaved in two — is typical among females who have sex for opening time through the usage of rape, according to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Vice President of Victim Services Keeli Sorenson. Sorenson told MTV News that assaults like Tovah’s amount to a certain kind of damage, particularly if — as was the case with Tovah — virginity is valued in the communities to which survivors belong.


“After experiencing sexual assault, survivors — including those whose first experience with sex is violence — can have a number of reactions relating to sex and relationships, like being hypersexual or closing themselves off to that segment of life entirely,” Sorenson mentioned. “Survivors from communities that prioritize the concept of virginity may struggle with their identity, feel shame or guilt and face added barriers to getting help…[but] no matter whenever a survivor experienced sexual violence, we encourage them to remember that they are not damaged, they are not alone, and there really is nothing they did to deserve or ask for this.”


And while Tovah is still feeling the ripple effects of her assault, she noted on The Real World that she is finally on the path toward healing, and that being open with her roommates sparked a sort of clarity that she hadn’t quite experienced before.


“I was ashamed of it for a long time, nevertheless I’m not anymore,” she mentioned. “I just aspire to talk about it like I own it.”


Tovah opened up to MTV News about her assault as piece of a brutally straightforward interview in which she chronicled her assault, described how it took her years to understand its complexity and explained how it still informs key parts of her life. Read what she had to mention below, visit RAINN’s website if you’re a survivor or ally who needs help or extra intelligence and visualize how Tovah’s story evolves any time The Real World airs on Facebook Watch Thursdays at 9/8c.


Can you tell us a little about what you were like as a teenager? Companions? Clubs? Course loads?


Gosh, I was bullied so badly. However I was a really good student, straight A’s, because it’s really easy to get straight A’s as soon as you don’t have companions. Yet no, I wasn’t a sports person, and in middle school I just sort of attempted to keep to myself. I was very involved in temple and choir outdoor of school. Finally, in high school, I began to branch out and do cheerleading and then I was president of my freshman class for student council. I lived in Israel my first semester of junior year. I went to Jewish camp each summer and that was my saving grace from the tough parts of home.


How did the bullying start and what toll did it take?


I didn’t really fit in anywhere, and I went to three different middle schools as the bullying was so bad. I was pretty chubby with glasses and really bad acne and kids used to call me pizza face — they’d basically mock everything that I couldn’t help about myself. And the triggering point came one day throughout lunch — because I ate lunch with the nurse each day — and in my middle school there had been a suicide prevention assembly. I told my nurse: I’m gonna kill myself. Why would I still be here if that was a choice? And that’s whenever my parents put me in therapy.


Can you tell us a little more about the circumstances surrounding your assault, or what role your attacker played in your life at the time?


I met him two weeks ago to what happened. He didn’t go to our school, although we had a mutual friend and I saw him at a talent show. We were actually neighbors, he lived about three houses down. I was like: this kid’s cute. So we began talking and just sort of hit it off.


I was talking to him, just this young 16-year-old hanging out soon after school sort of thing. I had just kissed a boy however nothing else, never even made out.


What happened that day?


He wanted to have sex. I mentioned no, unless you’re my boyfriend. Yet he came over one day, and this is another reason why this is confusing for me: It wasn’t the textbook thing where we were wasted at a party and I woke up and my clothes were off. He didn’t force me by gunpoint. I instructed him no previously, I instructed him no then, it still happened, yet that was my first time. I was like: This doesn’t really seem good, nevertheless I guess we’re dating, right? So I guess it’s OK? Then, since he didn’t go to my school, we didn’t speak. I didn’t really understand what had happened.


So, I just didn’t talk about it because I was so young. Later, I got a telephone call from one of his companions who said: I need you to come over and talk. [The guy] feels really bad about what he did, just don’t tell anybody. And I was like: What? I wasn’t telling anyone anyway. I felt super weird about it. Then I began to get text messages from the guy, which mentioned things like: I raped you and dropped you, stop talking about me. I took your virginity by rape, have an excellent f***ed up life.


It’s hard to remember, nevertheless he was the one who really informed me it was rape. I don’t know if it was that I didn’t desire to believe it or I was confused, although yeah, I hadn’t really processed it.


How long did he remain in your life?


Well we had been in California, yet fast-forward to college right now in a different state, and this was the worst. I saw him on the street and I realized right now we’re both in the same town and he goes to the same college. By total fluke. I didn’t mention anything, he didn’t mention anything. Nevertheless while in second week of school, I got about 15 phone calls from my friend As soon as I was in a movie. She said: I need converse with you now.


I left the movie, and she asked me if I knew a certain guy. It was him. And I was like: Hell no. I had already changed high schools. I’m not changing colleges. Yet she kept insisting and was like: I’m gonna tell you something, let me know if it’s true: He just sat down with my boyfriend and four other guys in their fraternity and told them and he took your virginity by raping you. Is that true? It was so bad. He harassed me all of the time, all through college. I had to get a restraining sort. However I still resisted to believe it happened up until I was 22.


Is that as soon as you began beginning up to people?


I think for a lot of people, things will trigger the memory. Although yeah, one day I was sitting in my vehicle listening to the radio and the song “In the Night” by The Weeknd was playing, which talks about a girl who was sexually assaulted. I began bawling my eyes out, called my mom and I was like: This happened to me. I was 22, it was 2015, and still hadn’t told anyone.


And my mom was like: Ok, let’s go to therapy, let’s do this.


How was therapy early on?


I actually began long before all of this, While I was 12, which was the opening year I attempted to commit suicide while the bullying was happening. So for a long time, I would order kind of hide beyond my depression in therapy and not really talk about the assault. Every time I seen a new therapist and so they asked if I’d been assaulted I’d mention yes, and any time as soon as they asked if I’d worked through it I’d mention yes because I didn’t wish to talk about it. I actually avoided it until The Real World home, routinely just putting it on the back burner.


I know you mentioned you stayed very silent for years soon following the assault. How did you nickname the weight of that in the years before your epiphany at 22?


Soon after it happens, females generally go one of two ways: Either they shy away from any sexual activity because they don’t trust gentlemen. Or, they do what I do and become very, very sexually mobile. I thought I was crazy. I was so numb. I thought I was a psychopath for having no feelings.


I think my promiscuity was me attempting to get my power back, like I couldn’t pick my first time, nevertheless I pick you, I pick you, I pick you. However I didn’t get my power back; case in point, I lost more of myself up until there was nothing. Yet I categorize kind of convinced myself: Hey, that’s the hookup culture at college, that’s the norm. So I just sort of went on as a robot. If I finally got out of college and the hook-up culture stopped, I actually had to put myself in sex addicts anonymous, because I would get huge panic attacks if I didn’t have a guy set up for the weekend. My whole identity was in a gentleman and if they wanted to have sex with me. Meetings lasted two weeks before my panic attacks got way also bad and that’s any time While I spiraled out, that’s Once I was 22.


When you first auditioned for the show, did you realize this is a story you wanted to tell?


applied As soon as I was watching Bad Blood and I had been through a lot. It was immediately after I got laid off, I had just ended a relationship and was sitting in my childhood parents’ residence just crying. I was so irritated, plus it felt like everything was hitting rock-bottom. The application asked me things I had been through and things I’d defeat and I knew my story could help. That’s once [The Real World casting process] turned into not just a cool experience, however a way to get my story out.


I knew people might call me a whore or a slut As soon as I explained the aftermath — As soon as I had become very promiscuous. Yet I didn’t visualize anybody on TV or in songs or in the paper — anyone to look up to that acted the way I did right after rape. I wanted to show women that you are not alone, and whichever actions you take immediately after this happens to you is regular and it’s in your truth. That was my main goal.


Obviously your connection to Clint seemed to accelerate your decision to tell your roommates, although was there one moment or conversation that ultimately inspired you to share?


It was once Meagan and Yasmin brought it to my attention that I don’t trust people, and that I never told anyone anything. They insisted that each person cares what I was feeling, so I began to open up, and that’s Once I realized: Oh, crap, I really don’t ever tell anyone. I haven’t worked through what I need to work through.


Did you continue with therapy while in The Real World?


Yeah, I seen a therapist while in filming who said: You will react to everything as if you’re 16-years-old because that is as soon as you stunted yourself. You’re not 27, you’re 16.


Although if it wasn’t for the therapist that I had throughout The Real World …she was brand new, Justin actually introduced me. She is the only one I ever really regarding. I never thought any other therapist got me. I had never heard the things she mentioned, and I’d been seeing therapists since I was 12. However the moment I really began therapy was If I noticed someone I trusted enough to open up. She listened and understood.


A lot of people — boys more specifically — can’t seem to understand why ladies don’t come forth about assault right away. In the home, we saw Dondre saying: Why didn’t he go to jail? And according to RAINN only 230 out of 1,000 sexual assaults are announced to police. Can you explain why you stayed silent, and how you think so several other girls stay silent?


As you visualize in the media, it’s routinely going to be his word against yours, especially in a situation like mine where there really are no bruises, no trauma. You could do a rape kit although I don’t even know if we were old enough to group up evidence or totally understand it. And it’s very shameful, no 16-year-old wants to admit she didn’t lose her virginity the way you visualize in the movies.


What was it like to get house right after filming and realize: Oh, man, I mentioned this and right now there’s no turning back?


Actually the moment that I hit me is While I watched the episode and the ending RAINN message came up — the “If you need help…” — I began crying, and I’m not sure what emotions those were. I sort of blacked out a little, it was a real Oh, my God moment. Although I was glad to know that I was going to help so several people. It was feeling like suddenly my pain was worth it.


How have the people in your life who’ve seen the show reacted to your assault?


I think the hugest impact was thinking how my parents were going to feel, because, you know, this is their child, and we never really spoken about it. My mom and dad actually called me soon following the episode and we just sort of spoke. It gave us a platform to talk about what happened because it was the opening time they heard me describe it so candidly.


Otherwise, no one has really been able to mention anything to me. People don’t really know how to nickname it, which I don’t fault them for because I wouldn’t know how to nickname it either. I think it must be bizarre to know someone for so long and then suddenly have to process this new part of them.


Have you learned more about yourself from watching the show?


I saw for the opening time that painful numbness in my eyes Whenever I spoken about it, and that sort of triggered me a little. Yet I had to be like: You don’t feel that way anymore. That was a segment of your story, it’s OK to let it go.


know with death, in the event you don’t feel incredibly sad all of time, or in case you move on, people think you never actually cared? So you feel guilty? For segment of me, I think I was holding onto it for so long, because I felt like if I let go of it, that indicates it didn’t happen, that indicates it hasn’t affected me, that shows I’m just a slut, that I’m a psychopath, that I have no emotions. Nevertheless I’ve finally learned that it may be a piece of my story without having to affect me anymore. I learned I can let it go.


Has initial up about your assault changed your attitude toward the way love and sex intersect, or do you still visualize them on separate planes?


now with my therapist, it’s really key for me to not engage in any sexual activity up until I am able to prepare healthy boundaries within myself. So, as of now, no, I still have that very hard disconnect. Yet I’m working to heal myself.


You said you’re working with a therapist, how are you finding healing?


This became my whole identity, so it’s just about realizing that there’s stuff outdoors of that. I wasn’t really allowing myself to get to know anybody and I didn’t care about anything however having sex, so my healing process is really speaking to people before being intimate.


Healing was also learning that a guy does not decide my worth. You visualize in the episode I say: I was taught from the opening time that I mean nothing, so I have to remind myself daily the value I bring to the world.


There are several movements in the contemporary social landscape that are finding ladies reclaiming their power — #MeToo, the features in the New Yorker about Harvey Weinstein. Were you inspired at all by those events?


Gosh, I think to be trustworthy, once all of that was happening, that was very triggering for me, so if I found something had to do with #MeToo, I shut it down. I think it’s key for females to understand that in the event you aren’t willing to calculate with that kind of stuff, it’s OK. I’m sure my story probably triggered some females also, and set them back. It’s just crucial to know that taking a number of steps back isn’t failure.


On the other side of the coin, what is it like to be able to see someone like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who testified while in Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court Hearing that he had assaulted her, receive death threats and be discredited? Were you even surprised?


It wasn’t a surprise at all, which is why I didn’t really follow it. The second I heard she was coming forward, I commended her secretly, however I knew what was coming. Like if somebody can come with facts on TV, speak their truth and still be laughed at, how the heck do you suggest a 16-year-old or a 20-year-old can go up against a classmate or a college athlete? How the heck do they think a pimple-faced girl with braces will get anywhere?


I hoped it didn’t happen, although I knew it would. It’s a microcosm of why people don’t speak up.


If you can counsel yourself at 16, or another girl who suffered the way you did, what would you say?


I would tell her to just tell one individual. I don’t care what the outcome is, because a lot of times ladies are worried about: Well, he didn’t go to jail. But it’s not about him, it’s not about what occurs to him, it’s not about getting what he deserves. Just speaking about it, whether you tell a friend, a journal, a random person on the internet—


Actually, I did that for a while. Triggering. I just remembered: Before I told anyone, I joined a support order for sexual assault victims. I told them the complete story, and so they were like: Girl, no, you are right, this was sexual assault and we’re here for you.


Your healing process begins as soon as you begin to mention it out loud. Tell yourself: What happens to him is none of my concern. My concern is living a healthy life. you could tell someone and still not have the immediate objective to prosecute him. Because I think women struggle with that: How can it be so detrimental to me, nevertheless in the same breath I don’t desire to prosecute him? It doesn’t mean what he did isn’t a big deal, it just means you aren’t ready, and that doesn’t disqualify your trauma.


Is there anything else you’d like to tell viewers?


As much as my story has helped them, their stories help me and help others. So thank you for telling your stories. You’re not alone, and if I can do it, you sure as hell can, too.


in the event you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is obtainable. You could call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE or visit rainn.Org.


Editor’s note: MTV isn’t identifying Tovah's hometown for her safety and privacy.