Billie Eilish Got Extremely Candid About Feeling 'Hopeless' Dealing With Depression And Anxiety

it could seem as though Billie Eilish has it all — fame, fortune, the Dodge Charger she's habitually wanted. And while the "Bad Guy" singer definitely experienced a rapid rise to the best, it was even more impressive because she did it on her own terms, recording and making music with her brother Finneas in their house. And the ideal part? It worked. Eilish understands her Gen Z audience better than anyone.


Still, Eilish is just a teenager, and living life in the spotlight at just 17 has proven to be challenging — especially as someone with a history of depression. "I have this astonishing thing in front of me, and I don't want to hate it," she told Rolling Stone of her fame in a new cover story. "And I don't hate it. Yet I hate certain parts of it." For Eilish, coming to this conclusion has been hard because, according to her, she habitually fancied being the center of attention. Fame, although, has proven to be a different kind of attention — one that she's not particularly fond of. "I don't think anyone is aware what fame actually is. Because if I did aspire to be well known — it wasn't this kind," she added.


Fortunately, Eilish is in a good place right now, noting that this year has been the perfect of her life. "I haven't been depressed in a minute, which is fantastic she instructed them magazine. Yet like several other people her age, it's been a long journey, also it definitely didn't come without its struggles. Eilish specifically said her rise to superstardom — a series of events that several might assume were full of happiness. "It's funny," she mentioned. As soon as anyone else thinks about Billie Eilish at 14, they think all of the good things that happened. Yet all I can think of is how miserable I was. How fully distraught and confused. Thirteen to 16 was pretty rough."


Right after joining a dance corporation while in that era, the competitive environment really took a toll on her confidence. "That was probably Once I was the most insecure," she mentioned. "I wasn't as confident. I couldn't speak and just be common. Whenever I picture it or visualize photos of me then, I was so not OK with who I was." She was also experiencing what she known because the peak of my body dysmorphia." Then, at 13, a hip injury gave her no choice yet to quit. "I think that's any time the depression started,” she mentioned. "It sent me down a hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don't have to go into it. Yet the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain."


Right now that Eilish has noticed herself on the other side of that pain, all she wants to do is be there for her struggling fans and remind them to take care of themselves. "Sometimes I visualize females at my shows with scars on their arms, and yes it breaks my heart," she mentioned. "I don't have scars anymore because it was so long ago. However I've mentioned to several of those, 'Just be nice to yourself.' Because I know. I was there." And while she's feeling better right now, the Gen Z icon still experiences bouts of anxiety and depression, most recently caused by having to go back on tour. "I had a panic attack each and every night," she mentioned I cried for two hours every night. It was really, really bad. ... I just couldn't take the fact that I had to leave again. ... Thinking about that literally made me throw up. I'm not a throw-upper, however I threw up twice, from the anxiety."


This anxious and depressed state, according to Eilish, lasted for about a week. Although, she remembers it feeling much longer. "It was literally just a week — nevertheless it was so intense it feels like a whole year of my life I'm talking about now. It was just a fully random week of bursting misery." In that single week, she mentioned she couldn't think of anything to look forward to and was truly afraid of being alone. "I'd get this feeling in my belly like a knife being twisted around. I felt unsafe with myself, especially for a hour." She mentioned. "I don't trust myself once I'm alone."


Luckily, Eilish, her parents, and the rest of her team have taken added measures to create ensure she's mentally in a good place — especially while on tour. The singer has gone to be able to see a therapist, scheduled time for her companions to visit, and even chartered an additional bus for them. And nevertheless she some days feels like she "can't go cry somewhere" because of her job, even she admits that touring has been much better than she ever expected, and that, in general, her career is pretty cool. "I have a phenomenal job, dude. I really do. The things I get to do in my career have just been inconceivable. ... If I'm putting on my third-person cocky hat, the shit is fucking astonishing. Going anywhere and being looked at because each person is aware who you are? That's crazy! So I really cannot complain. Nevertheless I do anyway."